I'm waiting for an email of news. The judge was supposed to hear our case today. The day is over and done with in India now. I just have to wait for the news to reach us. Did he sign or did he take the day off?
I'm torn. I don't know whether to allow myself to feel and start to hope? Or should I continue to guard my feelings? Should I feel luck if he is home by Christmas or even his next birthday?
I woke up hopeful. I can't let myself feel it though. I just can't. I don't know how I will get through the day if I get another phone call saying I'm sorry. I know I will get through the day but at present I'm not sure how.
How do you prepare yourself to know your child and continue to wait with no certain time of when you can finally take care of them? How do you wake up everyday knowing that your child is halfway across the world? I can't touch him, I can't hug him, I can't see him. I feel like everyday a piece of me dies as I live through this. Honestly, it is getting harder to make it through each day. It is getting impossible to live with.
It is making me angry!! This adoption is sucking the joy out of my life. I can see where it should be and can't enjoy everyday things that are a blessing. I've been through this before. Ananya's adoption took me to the end of my rope, to the bottom. I remember spending so many days figuratively standing on the edge and looking down. That is how I've felt for weeks. I don't know how much more I can take. The judge knows though. He'll sign the case when he is good and ready and I'll be waiting on that day. I'll make it to the day that I finally get to hold my child. Then, slowly, the joy will seep back into my life. I'll see the light again.
But today, I wait...